I know one of the fun things about the pregnancy process is finding out the sex of the baby, so much so that some people have taken extreme and near deadly measures to do so, surrounded by friends and family nonetheless.

Following my NIPT blood test around ten weeks I too was excited to have a little fun, not with a huge party but rather my favorite cake and family. But after a few weeks went by without any word from my doctor the avid planner in me, who had a whole cake design and on theme cardigan ready to go, decided to call and figure out what the delay was.

Like I shared in my pregnancy announcement, we got some unsettling news about our test result. It was atypical indicating a potential chromosomal issue, and of course didn’t happen to specify the baby’s sex as intended. After doing the test again we still needed an amniocentesis to rule out the chromosomal issue, which thankfully ended up being okay after a long period of worry!

Alas, I had forgotten about the second NIPT blood test and therefore I accidentally opened the results to on my healthcare app which contained the baby’s sex that I had intended my mother to find out and hide within the cake!

After seeing MALE my heart dropped out of shock, I was flabbergasted that I was given such information I hadn’t intended to see and then overwhelmed with joy I was having a baby that now seemed to have a mini identity already created in my mind.

And perhaps that is what is so appealing to most soon to be parents about finding out the sex of baby, the fact that it can really paint a more clear picture of what the little one might be. It’s why associating a gender onto our little one is such a double edged sword, given that I now know that gender is not determined by the sex we are born with, but rather by discovering our own identity as we move through the world.

Of course since I was still in the limbo stages of whether or not the baby would even be healthy, the news felt like a bit of a tease, knowing how excited my husband would be and also how having a more definitive picture of baby could possibly make this potential loss all the more heartbreaking.

I sat with the information, assured I wouldn’t tell anyone the sex until we knew more about baby’s health.

Well that lasted all of three minutes, after my husband walked into my office and I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut. He of course rejoiced and assured me he would have been happy with either sex, but I know his head was filled with all the dreamy ideas of where this could all go, and I will admit, so was mine!

Of course I knew I’d be perfectly excited either way. The fact that I’ve always gravitated towards embracing my femininity through my personal style means I’ve always pictured myself being a mother to a girl. I grew up mainly with my mother and sister and outside of romantic partners I haven’t had many close relationships with boys and men. I also am really into the whole mommy and me wardrobe dressing, which I still fully intend to do no matter what until this child can choose clothing for themselves.

But perhaps the biggest thing I am currently reckoning with is that fact that gender isn’t determined by sex, a concept not that new to me but one I still admit to having some difficulty processing in my work as a therapist and also just as a human being who’s been privileged to have my sex and gender align well into what society expects.

This is something I now can’t stop thinking about, knowing that I will be raising a male who may or my not align “perfectly” into one gender or the one the world expects of him. He may very well come to the realization at some point that whether he’s attracted to men, women or just people, that his sexuality doesn’t even match his gender. And that is because sex, gender and sexuality are not the same thing as we’ve been conditioned to believe.

Here’s a wonderful tool that helped me better understand the differences and explain it to clients and friends,

I get that for many people, myself included, this concept is not what I grew up understanding. But for myself and my child, I want to do my very best to allow them to be who they are, rather than encourage them to be who I think or want them to be.

This is easier said than done for so many reasons. The first of which is that me and my little won’t be growing together in a vacuum, there are going to be so many other people, places and long held social constructs fighting this framework along the way. I don’t necessarily want to go to battle with this everyday, especially with people who I strongly believe have the best intentions. But I do want to be as proactive as I possibly can in reassuring my child that they have all the love and support from the beginning from me.

The other thing here is that I am not an expert on raising children to be gender neutral, and honestly don’t intend on becoming one. I still plan to create a nursery with heavy blue influences, simply because I love blue and have not-so-secretly always wanted a blue room in my home, but also because I think setting a bar that high to be completely gender neutral puts a lot of pressure on us and those around us to evolve too quickly out of some of the things we’ve always wanted to share and provide our kids. For example, I intend for this baby’s style to align with a retired investment banker in Palm Beach who’s not afraid of pastels. At least until he can choose his own clothes and then I’m screwed.

I haven’t bought our baby a tutu but I have bought him a wicker doll pram because it was so cute and because I’d like to raise a child who emulates me and his father, both of whom will be pushing a stroller around town for the next couple years. I’d like my child to have both traditionally male traits like being assertive as well as those that have been feminized like being nurturing, especially to his two big furry sisters. In a recent book I read (and highly recommend) the author shared research support data indicating the most successful marriages were between two partners who more equally possessed both assertive and nurturing qualities, as I believe my husband and I do!

As a woman I can say myself I have been exposed to the dangers of using gender in harmful ways (i.e. poor body image, toxic masculinity, being silenced or worse, told to smile).

I want to do better by my baby.

Some common examples I’ve seen,

Harmful Gender Focused Speech

Focusing compliments and commentary towards girls based heavily on appearance, fashion sense and body image, rather than accomplishments, personality, intellect and creativity.

Pushing boys towards more action related toys and play, girls to more domestic and appearance based ones.

Strongly genderizing colors, clothing and interests. (ex. pink vs. blue)

Encouraging girls to be “nice”, boy’s to be “strong”

Telling either gender not to cry.

Asking a child if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Eh, ewwww.

Having different rules for boys vs. girls.

Freaking the f*ck out when a boy wants to try on a dress, play with a doll or gravitate towards something pink.

Saying to any child, “oh no that’s only for boys, that’s only for girls”

Telling girls to smile, they look better when they “smile”.

So many of these things are done without bad intentions and I understand and respect how they may be tied to culture, religion or heritage. But I also think we need to acknowledge where harmful gender stereotypes have gotten us, ranging from the higher rates of suicide in men, frequent body dysmorphia and eating disorders in women, increased substance use in men, sexual and physical trauma most often perpetrated by men onto girls and women, the lack of female representation in higher professional and political offices, general misogyny and male privilege, the list goes on and on.

For me this just means I am striving for more openness when it comes to what messages I send, blatant or not, around my child’s gender. Of course the second I saw “MALE” written across the screen all I could think about was whether or not he’d want to take sailing lessons and how many shades of blue I could get into his closet, and trust me there are already plans to include both in his room. But at the end of the day, how he dresses and who he loves really shouldn’t matter. I think I just want what I assume every parent does for their kids, for them to be a good person, to have a fulfilling life and most importantly a great relationship with their mom and dad.