The simple reality is that a picture perfect holiday doesn’t exist no matter what Instagram and the Bergdorf Goodman windows tell us.

So today I’m offering a little room for us all to be real about the part of the holiday that hasn’t always been so celebrated, but has always had a seat at the table. I originally wrote this post now 7 years ago and the information still stands. I write this post with a lot of honesty, empathy and of course, love. I hope some of it resonates with you.

Enjoy! xx

No. 1 Mindfulness around the food and booze… 

Ugh, this one is so hard. Tis’ the season of nonstop feasting, cheering, and nibbling on salt and sugar. If you are only planning to attend one celebration then by all means go all out and consolidate the cookie and alcohol combo hangover. But we tend to have a holiday brunch at work, Friendsgivings with roommates, potlucks at school, ornament exchanges, gingerbread house decorating parties, even The Holiday themed dinner parties; the list of events don’t stop. Don’t get me wrong, I love it all and can’t say no to celebrating but at the end of the day I will often ask myself, is it worth the lull, the bulge, the lack of energy, the headache, the hangover? I try to always ask myself these questions from a place of love and acceptance of my body, and not shame and resentment for my choices, but I ask myself these questions to create consciousness how I actually feel and to take autonomy in fostering better choices.

I like to think of this time of year as a marathon, and consider all the ways I can add foods that make me feel good, so I’m not deprived of nutrition while also not depriving myself of all the amazing treats that represent this time of year. It’s not an easy task but before alternating between nonstop fasting and feasting for several months, it might be worth some consideration. Our bodies and minds are so incredibly impacted by what we fuel it with so the awareness is not so much a restriction as it is a point of consideration and care.

No. 2 Family comes first, but… 

The holidays are supposed to be enjoyable, so why do others have to dictate what that looks like? I know this is a hard one. But I really believe we need to stop apologizing for wanting more for ourselves, especially when it comes to our own happiness. If you don’t enjoy seeing Aunt oh how are you still single, then don’t. I understand people have complex reasons for staying in relationships, but I wonder if is at all possible to cut some of the guilt out and do what’s best for yourself, your partner, or your kids in any small way. For example limiting the time spent together or planning something separate for yourself or loved ones. Life is just too short and the holidays are too special not to enjoy some or all of it the way you’d like. And if you can’t avoid them, then at least set some boundaries. Don’t engage in the criticism or negativity, but if you must respond communicate how someone’s behavior (things they have said or did, not who they are) made you feel and what you need moving forward. Remember most of these difficult people are hurt and you are allowed to protect yourself from getting hurt as well.

No. 3 Can we just say no… 

Like the last thought but a tad easier sometimes with friends than with family. Saying no to “omg I haven’t seen you in forever, let’s do brunch“, saying no to more than two secret Santa parties, saying no to the entire cookie making station, just take your snap of the cute holiday party invite and Instagram that custom hot chocolate making station and get the hell out. Saying no to whatever you don’t want to go to and stop feeling bad about it. It’s not selfishness, it’s common sense. Remember, the holidays are about being happy, right? 

No. 4 Money, Money, Money!

We all want that understated but ultra-luxe and on trend holiday party dress, the substantial donation to our favorite charity, that gift that makes our partner go wow! And with social media it’s hard to re-wear the expensive ensemble and not be a tad jealous about what model Range Rover kid car the Joneses’ got Timmy. It’s the thought that counts and I’ll admit that it is sometimes very difficult for me to understand that fully. So in the spirit of supporting the opportunity and meaning behind giving this season, making a budget for everything involved, not just the gifts and donations, but the real cost of each event, the holiday cards, the last minute/overpriced bottle of champs, the beauty regimens, the Uber surge pricing, the outfits, the secret Santa gifts you forgot about until the night before, and all the little extra details that add up, aka the $8 ornate, but oh so convenient  wine gift bag nobody will ever use again. Of all the holiday hangovers, getting a terribly huge credit card bill in January will never be worth it, so instead of putting it off, plan ahead and try your best to stay as close as possible to an amount you know you will be comfortable with come the new year. 

No. 5 Don’t just do it for gram…

I know, I’,m a TOTAL hypocrite. But I do constantly tell myself this all the time to plan before the gram. You can upload at anytime so the photo can wait, if it has to happen at all. Take pics at the beginning of an event so you can enjoy your time with others and be a a true guest at a party. And if you’re hosting plan extra prep time for photos of the beautiful spread you made or hire someone else to so the memories last and don’t ruin the evening.

No. 6 Exercise, exercise, exercise… 

We always need daily movement, but our bodies especially need it this time of year. We are spending more time sedentary, eating foods that don’t refuel us, stressed about schedules, money, family and generally resting less around the holidays. So it’s vital you plan time to restore yourself with exercise, fresh air, calming creative outlets and sleep! Even if you don’t have a lot of time, doing something as simple as jumping jacks at home before getting in the shower can make a difference in how you feel. I will often move through a few yoga poses just to release some of the tension before an event in the evening as quick way to re-energize. Every little bit counts and remember it’s about how you feel that is the most important, so listen to your body!

No. 7 Honoring loss…

Perhaps one of the hardest parts about the holiday is being reminded of those who we have lost. As a therapist I often encourage my clients to acknowledge the loss by reading a poem or quote, sharing a fond memory of the person with loved ones, eating a special food they liked, visiting a grave site or special place they used to love, writing the passed love one a letter. Just allowing yourself space to grieve feels better in the long run then avoiding it entirely. One of the most beautiful things about the seasons is the comfort of the old and the opportunity of something new. This applies to all types of loss like mourning a separation, a significant life change, moving to a new place, a financial situation, loss of status or a job. There are so many types of losses in life, however, there’s also so many different ways to embrace change. Letting yourself be sad is part of the process and if it feels too overwhelming I highly recommend seeking therapy to help you navigate it in a safer way.  

No. 8 It’s okay to be sad… 

As a matter of fact, maybe we can even plan for it, just a little. Like I mentioned before, as much as the holidays are fun and filled with happy memories, they are also stressful and emotionally draining. We tend to know ourselves well enough to sense when we might have an extra hard time putting up with a parent who might not change, a recent breakup, or a change in life circumstance beyond our control. And when everyone is forcing cheerfulness and gratitude down your throat it can often leave us feeling extra sensitive to the things we don’t have, or did and lost. It’s never a bad idea to have a little plan in place for these days — maybe promising yourself no guilt in saying no to a party invitation, or treating yourself to a massage, movie, or SoulCycle class, having a friend on speed dial who is comfortable with just listening or watching a re-run of Friends. We all have things that make us hurt and often times the stress or pressure that comes with this season brings it up a little more for us, and for what it’s worth, I’m here to tell you that IS OKAY! Congratulations, you’re a real human. 

I hope this post is helpful and these words resonate with you. While there are many things that divide us there are always more things we share. Loss is an undeniable part of the human experience, as is comparison, desire for connection and need to make meaning of our lives. Let this be a time we honor those things, whether sad or celebratory or a even a little bit of both.

If you feel overwhelmed, please seek treatment with a therapist through insurance or private pay. Here are some additional resources to help, you are never alone.

Suicide Hotline: Call 988 Suicide Lifeline

Domestic Violence Help: Call 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) / Resources and more information

National Mental Health/Substance Use Help Hotline: SAMHSA National Helpline