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[bigletter]My goodness how life can pivot so swiftly. My first {human} child is here, arriving on Thursday, May 6th, one week before his due date and I couldn’t be more over the moon obsessed with him. Despite being absolutely exhausted by sleep deprivation and some of the early trials and tribulations of breastfeeding and pumping, I am beyond aware of how special this early time with him is, grateful he came into the world happy and healthy, my sweet Parker Irving Alexander Simanovsky![/bigletter]
So where did we begin; let me try to paint you a picture. The morning of Wednesday, May 5th was a big day as I was officially two weeks post my second Moderna vaccination and about a week out from expecting Parker. After a year of being extra cautious about COVID-19, I was ready to finally return to a restaurant with lunch reservations at Ivy at the Shore for any early Mother’s Day celebration with my mother and mother-in-law, as well as my first mani/pedi appointment in over a year the next day, followed by a dinner plans at the Beverly Hills Hotel with friends the next evening. I was beyond excited for this small interlude of fun in my last days of pregnancy and entrée into full on motherhood.
Apparently so was he!
Laboring at Lunch
That Wednesday morning I woke up very early with minor stomach cramping, which at this point wasn’t odd given how common all types of aches and pains had become after nine months of being pregnant. I didn’t give it much thought at first but because I had just washed my hair the night before and left a deep conditioning mask in a topknot that I didn’t want to get stuck with for an indefinite amount of time I figured I’d google what contractions feel like in the event I needed an emergency blow out.
Turns out contractions can often replicate mensural cramps per my search and this was the most accurate way to describe what I felt early on that morning. So I hopped right into the shower to rinse my hair out and make a mental plan for what might occur next.
At that point I was still optimistic that baby Parker would be grabbing my freshly polished finger straight out of the womb.
Unfortunately that didn’t happen, but I did make it to lunch that same day, chunky heels, minor contractions and all.
Just in enough time to enjoy an ivy gimlet {mocktail} and bask in the frequent pockets of sunlight, celebrating my last moments before baby with the two women tasked with raising my husband and I, now about to become parents ourselves. It was a bit surreal but I was still hopeful about that damn pedicure.
Of course so much of what I was feeling was general excitement, and relief quite frankly that I had a shot at entering into labor naturally, but I was also feeling super vulnerable. I couldn’t help but worry about the possibility of an unforeseen complication, an emergency c-section and perhaps worst of all, not having completed all the tasks on my to-do list or God forbid being somewhat unprepared?
Again, another falsity stemming from the chain of perfectionism I’ve worked hard on recovering from. Completing my to-do list before baby wasn’t going to make to make me a better mom, immune to the complexity of navigating this incredible transition or less likely to have the unexpected happen. It was another lesson in braving what’s to come, maintaining the moment as it is, rather than fighting so hard to shift it into something it’s not just to satisfy my fears for a fleeting moment.
After our fabulous lunch the contractions started to get a tad more intense, so I headed home and did my best to get comfortable, as if I was just dealing with intense PMS. While laying down and re-watching old episodes of Ladies of London {I wish they’d bring that show back please} I did my best to schedule a few blog posts, particularly Parker’s nursery reveal. For some reason I had this strong desire to check this box before I could mentally allow myself to head to the hospital. I think I just wanted to feel like I finished something before my life completely changed, which I now realize is ridiculous but is so me unfortunately.
Things are happening…
Eventually I got myself on the exercise ball, sitting at my desk counting kicks and contractions while simultaneously uploading photos and walking myself back through the process of creating his beautiful space. It’s a bit silly how dedicated I was at this point to finishing this post, however, I think it also gave me something else to focus on aside from the increasingly close and painful contractions I was experiencing. I called to check in with the doctor a few times to see if it was time to head to the hospital, but it took awhile for the pattern of time between each one to become more and more consistent.
Eventually around maybe 10pm that evening the time apart from contraction to contraction settled on 3-5 minutes each, only about ten minutes after I chose to stop blogging and just focus bouncing on my exercise ball. At that point I wasn’t in extreme pain but they did feel pretty real and the idea of giving brith soon became a huge reality.
It was another lesson in braving what’s to come, maintaining the moment as it is, rather than fighting so hard to shift it into something it’s not just to satisfy my fears for a fleeting moment.
Arthur grabbed everything we had packed and our parents figured out a rotation to watch our girls as we drove off to meet our boy!
Walking into the hospital was surreal, felt just like the movies except we had to wear masks. They set us up in a triage room to check how dilated I was and monitor baby. In order to get a good read on his heartbeat and movements I had to lay on my side which I truly believe kicked my contraction pain up to an entirely new level. Or perhaps it was just the fact that I didn’t have beautiful images to edit or witty anecdotes to devise on my laptop that made me focus more on what was truly happening in my body. Either way, I was in pain.
And unfortunately only 1 cm dilated!
Fortunately the nurse had some sympathy and allowed us to stay for another two hours to see if I progressed more, which thankfully I did, up to 2-3cm dilated, which was enough to get admitted and more importantly get me an epidural ASAP as the deep breathing was just not cutting it.
I’ll admit, getting the epidural seemed daunting before going into labor but once I was in that much pain suddenly the idea of a giant needle going into my spine to continuously pump drugs into my body wasn’t so concerning and I honestly have absolutely no idea how women gave birth before they were available!
After the epidural came the waiting game, one I was in no rush to move through. It was a slow grind getting to 10cm dilated and a fairly comfortable one. It gave me time to rest, text friends and lazily scroll through Instagram while I waited for nature to take its course.
Nurses are Superheroes
As time passed we had lots of opportunities to get to know our main nurse who was so kind and helpful, and who really set the tone for basically an endless array of amazing women who helped me through this entire process. I can’t stress enough how significant the nurses in both labor and delivery and the maternity ward are in making the experience of childbirth. During this whole process I have focused so much on my OBGYN’s beside manner and quality of care, but I felt so much more support, encouragement and legitimate education from the 10 nurses we worked with than 9 months worth of OBGYN visits.
Since I have a dear friend who is a labor and delivery nurse, I made sure to consult with her beforehand about gifts to bring and I am so glad I had them already prepared. Turns out everyone was beyond amazing and something as small as a sugar cookie and gift card for my favorite coffee shop brought big smiles!
I had these sugar cookies made by the same local lady who did my baby shower suitcase cookies and I was so impressed by how well she took on my idea, with reference photos patched together in a little inspo board of the blue and white pattern, shape and font. To pair with the cookie I picked up some gift cards from my favorite local coffee shop which is actually closer to the hospital than the next nearby Starbucks and I laid out some yummy pirouline wafers which pair perfectly with a cup of coffee. In hindsight it may have been smart to have a jug of hot coffee available or just go all out with a coffee bar but that may have been just a tad too stressful for me to manage while giving birth and recovering!?
Fourteen hours later
By about noon the next day, Thursday, May 6th, I was close to 10cm dilated and my doctor decided to break my water which happened super swiftly without any pain. In the next few hours our lovely nurse gently encouraged me to let her know when I felt like pushing, a relatively foreign concept to me because I had no idea when exactly I’d feel that way. Eventually after turning onto my right side to continue resting I felt Parker’s head nearing down my uterus along with a contraction and thought, hmmm maybe if I pushed at the same time he’d come out?
Once I let the nurse know I thought maybe I could try, she very calmly walked over, without any need to call my doctor back in or even request a second nurse to assist. She simply asked for my right foot and then signaled to Arthur to come grab my left, meaning he had no other choice but to enter territory I gave him strict instructions NOT to, below my waist!
Slightly perplexed he obliged, retreating from his comfortable spot behind my left shoulder, and grabbed my leg to assist me basically in an abdominal crunch I had no idea had anything to do with childbirth. I gave him new instructions to keep his head towards me for the time being.
The nurse told me to wait for a contraction and then try a big push, something we did three times before the nurse said, “oh okay I can see his head, let me call the doctor to come.”
I felt so much more support, encouragement and legitimate education from the 10 nurses we worked with than 9 months worth of OBGYN visits.
All the sudden, it was happening.
We did several more rounds of this, three pushes each, before the doctor arrived and the pressure to get baby out was on. Eventually I told my husband he could look if he wanted as he was still assisting holding my left knee at the center of the action. Both the nurse and doctor were adamant that I was “so close” and they kept saying “push a little harder” and all I could think was, “what exactly am I pushing?”
As my friend who’s a labor and delivery nurse advised “push like you are constipated/doing a sit-up.”
I suppose that’s accurate advice. After about 8-12 rounds the baby was out and immediately put on my chest, the most surreal moment of my entire life thus far.
Meeting baby Parker
At approximately 2:50pm, weighing 6lbs and 1oz, this little guy who’s been baking inside me for nine months was now here on top of me wiggling his little body on my chest, clutching my finger as he started to navigate this brave new world. Perhaps it was hormones, perhaps the epidural, but there are truly no words to signify the love I had for him in that moment. I know that it’s different for everyone, but this love came instant for me and quite frankly hasn’t slowed one bit in the days since.
As my friend who’s a labor and delivery nurse advised “push like you are constipated/doing a sit-up.”
All the sudden nothing else seems to matter outside of him, a feeling I had prepared myself not to feel right away, knowing how many like to paint the perfect picture of burgeoning motherhood. However, I feel beyond grateful to have had this moment carry me up, up and away, into the land where Parker is now the center of my universe.
Meeting momma Monica
As I write these profound affections down I just can’t help but also share the many new emotions and challenges that came with this incredible experience that we don’t talk about. The second baby was carried off to get checked and put into Arthur’s arms, I got up to walk for the first time in about 15 hours after the epidural started and the next reality really set in. My body felt completely out of sync and when the nurse said we were going to make a trip to the restroom I was beyond terrified about how things would work. Fortunately our nurse continued to deliver all the encouragement I needed, having an ice pack underwear immediately prepared, along with a sugary juice drink that reminded me of well chilled Hi-C from my childhood and literally gave me life after half a day without any real food.
After a somewhat successful trip to the restroom, baby and I were wheeled off with Arthur to the maternity ward where we’d spend the next few days recovering and getting acquainted with one another. Once everyone was settled, Arthur preoccupied on how to get me my first sushi in nine months ASAP and baby Parker was sound asleep, I found my very first moment alone since my own “rebirth.”
I had heard the about the concept of our motherhood being born along with our babies before and I must say that has really resonated with me both physically and emotionally as I embark on this new life as a parent. Life appears much less assured as I’ve always known it and I imagine I will never feel the same. However, I feel confident that in time, I will recalibrate, becoming another nuanced version of myself and I truly believe there will be a new kind of peace and comfort that forms again.
My body at this point, still weaning off the epidural, felt figuratively {and literally} deflated as I looked directly into the poorly lit bathroom mirror. Deflated from the laziness of quarantine, a miscarriage, nine months of growing a baby, 15 hours spent pushing him out and my earliest attempts at breastfeeding. Yet as I stood there, completely vulnerable to the uncertainties of this next chapter, there was a strong part of me that knew I was deflated, not defeated. If my body could create, deliver and nourish this little human, then it sure as hell would be able to recover and continue to carry me through this big shift, as it’s always done for me in life so far.
Life appears much less assured as I’ve always known it and I imagine I will never feel the same. However, I feel confident that in time, I will recalibrate, becoming another nuanced version of myself and I truly believe there will be a new kind of peace and comfort again.
Crash course in parenting
Those next few days at the hospital post birth felt like years now reflecting back. Again I have to point out how significant a role the nurses continued to play, providing us with such an education in how to navigate this brand new arena of parenthood. What I loved most was getting such a varying array of perspectives on how to care for baby, as everyone had a slightly different way of doing things, so much so that some information from one nurse would conflict with another. I so appreciated this approach because it aligns so well with how I like to approach life in general, that there are always multiple ways of accomplishing the same goal and that we all should have the ability to determine how we get there. By the end of our stay Arthur and I had requested almost every person that came into our room demonstrate their swaddling technique and I learned about fifty different anecdotes on breastfeeding.
If my body could create, deliver and nourish this little human, then it sure as hell would be able to recover and continue to carry me through this big shift, as it’s always done for me in life so far.
No matter what the recommendation, however, everyone agreed on one thing; do what’s best for you and your family.
This was the mantra I overwhelmingly appreciated. And one that I will continue to look to out for as I embark on this new territory into motherhood.
Postpartum real talk
Care for down there: The ice pack underwear setup I mentioned is no joke and for any new moms delivering vaginally YOU WILL NEED THIS. The full kit is linked here but I also have the individual items linked below because you will need extra supplies when you leave the hospital. I recommend starting with the full kit, along with a minimum of two extra boxes of the ice maxi pad and disposable underwear, but I bought a bunch of extras in a panic and then returned what I didn’t use. After a few days post hospital I graduated from the ice maxi pad to a regular maxi pad, but I’m still using the disposable underwear and likely will continue for awhile. Whatever the recovery looks like, however, it’s best to be prepared so in addition to flowers and sushi, postpartum recovery tools make legitimate gifts for new moms!
Breastfeeding: I can’t stress enough that this is such a personal choice that every mom should make for herself! After I choose to try breastfeeding I have so much more understanding about why so many women choose not to and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t considered stopping myself because the process can be painful, exhausting and beyond frustrating. Fortunately I have had the support and supply to continue moving forward so far. Meeting with a lactation consultant was a big help to get clarity on what I was producing for baby, as well as ways to boost my very limited supply and get the latch right so I wasn’t in severe pain. Early on I had to use nipple shields because I was so beat up with an improper latch, which I recommend having on hand just in case so you can heal for a few days while continuing to feed if that is what feels right for you. Nipple cream is also no joke and let’s just say my early attempts at pumping were so disappointing but since pumping more and taking vitamins I am slowly working towards producing more milk. From the beginning we’ve been supplementing his feeds with formula because I haven’t produced enough on my own and it’s likely that I never will fully, a reality I am NOT beating myself up about. Trying to remain grateful for what my body has done for me and my family, it’s about time I nurture and appreciate it myself.
My first Mother’s Day
Eventually our time at the hospital was up and we were ready to bring baby Parker home and start putting that nursery to work!
We were very careful bringing him into our place knowing our girls would be extremely curious about this new little creature. We allowed them each a few small licks and smells, slowly they have gotten used to his unorthodox sleep schedule, high pitched sounds and all the extra attention he tends to receive from mom and dad. We are now almost a month in and I am happy to report his big sisters attend every feeding and fully believe the nursery daybed was custom made for them!
No matter what the recommendation, however, everyone agreed on one thing; do what’s best for you and your family.
The first night was a bit of a transition, however, the routine we established at the hospital helped ease us through the first night at home, the next day of course being Mother’s Day!
My first one as a momma, thankfully with my own mom and mother-in-law, and marble cake from SusieCakes of course.
Something sweet to start this next chapter, wish me luck!!
