I’ll admit one of my biggest fears, perhaps my only true fear about becoming a mom was the loss of freedom. The notion that my time, my career, my passions, would be put on the back burner or all together diminished in comparison to the gravity of this role. And I know there are so many incredible women who’ve proved this completely wrong who inspire me and a countless amount of other women who’ve taken on this role, however, I imagine I’m not the only one feeling a bit overwhelmed in this initial stage of parenthood.
This baby has become the center of my world, no matter how cheesy that sounds it’s true, but I know as time moves on both him and I will gradually become less dependent on one another, allowing us both to explore our own individual freedoms- his pursuits rooted in basic survival, mine centered around more romantic tablescapes.
At least one moment of pure joy, and maybe even one of pure panic, all guaranteed in the new momma starter pack.
Right now is actually a milestone in itself as I have finally allowed some eager grandparents to take the little chunker on a walk without me, which was a hard pill to swallow! But eventually Parker will start doing more and more things without me and I suppose this is just another reminder to bask in all the glory of each and every moment now, because as I remind myself at 3am, desperate for a hot bath and full night’s sleep, I’ll never get this time back again. I’ll never have this exact moment with this exact face and this little baby body again. So I just need to embrace it, all of it. The never ending mess, endless unknowns that lead to conflicting google searches, but also those sweet little smiles he’s divvied out here and there while breastfeeding.
The little things that make it all worth it in the end.
Therefore as a result of attending to my baby’s every need, every two to three hours and sometimes even less, the highs and lows in life right now have become extremely simplified. For example, getting to drink 25% of my coffee in the morning while watching one hot topics segment of The View; big high! Wishing I could swing a steamy shower AND get food into my mouth before the next wake up; that’s a low. It’s back to basics over here, sleep and solitude are not for granted, but fortunately skin to skin cuddles with the most precious bundle of love (and fairly frequent gas bubbles) are. At least one moment of pure joy, and maybe even one of pure panic, all guaranteed in the new momma starter pack.
The things that seem so small in the grand scheme tend to feel so big for such a fleeting moment because I’m in transition.
Therefore when something as significant as an overflowing bouquet of peonies arrives in times like these, it’s absolutely worth celebrating.
Of course these peonies didn’t “just arrive.” I suppose I’ve been complaining long enough over the last couple moths about how hard they were to find in Los Angeles so when a fresh batch arrived at Whole Foods both my mother and mother-in-law snagged a few bouquets for me without ask, however, they weren’t quite aware I had already ordered a big bunch online from New York, with a card that may have been slightly passive aggressively made out to me, by me, possibly forged with my husband’s name…
Can we still blame the pregnancy hormones at this point?
Whatever way the peonies got to me didn’t seem to matter once they were perfectly laid out on my kitchen island, on display after returning from every change-nurse-swaddle-bottle-burp-pray-he-stays-asleep-so-mommy-can-eat rotation. And coming up with various ways to take pictures of my abundance from the floral heavens helped to keep me alert and engaged enough despite being absolutely exhausted and foggy.
However, this shot in particular may not have been the most well thought out and I can’t help but compare it to a lesson in parenting. I figured we’d take a walk with the baby and our girls, snap a few cute photos of me with the most peonies my husband will likely ever allow me to own at once and have a nice little evening doing it. All was well until about five minutes into our walk when I realized the stroller basket wasn’t equipped to carry a bouquet of 55 peonies without several drops and stops for reinforcement. So as we strolled looking like a walking J. Crew ad, there were multiple fails in which I had to stop the stroller, push the peonies back into the basket and say a little prayer that we’d eventually make it home with no peonies left behind.
The mission was accomplished, however, it wasn’t easy, there were literal bumps in the road that deterred us, made us stop to fix and readjust, giving us another small stress line on our face. However, all in all it’s not that big of a deal to pick up your big beautiful peony bouquet from the middle of the road and keep moving, a perfect metaphor for my entrée into brand spanking new motherhood.
The things that seem so small in the grand scheme tend to feel so big for such a fleeting moment because I’m in transition. Perhaps the biggest transition I’ve entered into yet, certainly the most rewarding so far.
Thank goodness I have 55 more reasons to smile today, in addition to my number one.
